Went and got The Tasmanian Road rules today.. have been saying I will learn to drive for around the last 10 years and avoiding it fater nightmare driving instructors who used to hit me with a car aerial and nearly running over an ex boyfriend after argueing during the lesson.. (his fault he did storm out and march in frnt of the car).. ! So the plan is I am going to do my theory test and get my learners licence and hopefully Paul and I wont kill each other when he tries to teach me (thats gotta be a test of friendship).
Have applied to a million jobs both around Australia and locally in Tasmania.. so just got to wait on them.. of course I'm impatient and want to know why they havent got back to me yet!!!
Went to the hospital again this week (thats a change you think.. do I live there? might as well do.. have to go every week). Arm is doing great, am getting really good movement from it.. am banned from doing any lifting yet though.. and backpacking.. and according to last appt about 7 more weeks of wearing brace and stuff.. but they really dont know..Have had a pretty bad skin infectionunder the brace as am apparently allergic to my own sweat.. so am on anitbiotics and having to have dressings changed daily.. but is so much better.. so all in all all positive news on the arm!! Thank god for that!! I am not alone, I have a friend in canada who is working on a cattle station but cant right now as she has a broken arm so is sitting around on the station bored rigid, and my mate Phill has severely buggered his back so is wondering what to do and where to go trapped in Bangkok.. medically tehy say go back to England but he doesnt have a home there.. so its not as easy decision. I am so glad I was in Australia, where there is a great medical system and I have people around to look after me.. I thank my lucky stars!!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Death - it happens to us all eventually.
I've been mentally preparing myself for my last remaining Grandparent - my Grandma, dying.
She has been sick for a long time now and been in and out of hospital, but about a month ago she had lost the ability to do anything and lay in a semi comatose state, two weeks ago she was diagnosed with lockjaw which meant she couldn't eat or drink and a few days ago she was taken off medication.
Yesterday was her 88th birthday, and as I went to bed I emailed my Dad asking him to text me and let me know if she died. In the middle of the night I woke up with a start (where does that phrase come from?) and looked at my phone to check the time.. a text had been sent a couple of hours previously.. she died on her birthday.. I accept it was her time.. it was a release and I am glad she is not in any pain anymore.
I called my parents and chatted to them, the funeral will be on Monday. I would have liked to have gone, not just to say goodbye/pay my last respects etc but because funerals bring families together. This is a new thing as I have previously avoided funerals but I'm in a different space in my head right now..But its not a matter of being able to pop over just like that.. trust me to choose a country thats as far away as I could be!
This time last year I was in hospital and I saw that look on the nurses faces when they're scared, its something I'll never ever forget.. I remember the panic of alarms going off as my heart slowed down and the blood drained out of me - like one of those scenes from Grey's Anatomy when they run you to theatre with a team of staff around you. But I also remember walking out of that hospital glad to be alive. Life is short and can be taken from us just like that..
She has been sick for a long time now and been in and out of hospital, but about a month ago she had lost the ability to do anything and lay in a semi comatose state, two weeks ago she was diagnosed with lockjaw which meant she couldn't eat or drink and a few days ago she was taken off medication.
Yesterday was her 88th birthday, and as I went to bed I emailed my Dad asking him to text me and let me know if she died. In the middle of the night I woke up with a start (where does that phrase come from?) and looked at my phone to check the time.. a text had been sent a couple of hours previously.. she died on her birthday.. I accept it was her time.. it was a release and I am glad she is not in any pain anymore.
I called my parents and chatted to them, the funeral will be on Monday. I would have liked to have gone, not just to say goodbye/pay my last respects etc but because funerals bring families together. This is a new thing as I have previously avoided funerals but I'm in a different space in my head right now..But its not a matter of being able to pop over just like that.. trust me to choose a country thats as far away as I could be!
This time last year I was in hospital and I saw that look on the nurses faces when they're scared, its something I'll never ever forget.. I remember the panic of alarms going off as my heart slowed down and the blood drained out of me - like one of those scenes from Grey's Anatomy when they run you to theatre with a team of staff around you. But I also remember walking out of that hospital glad to be alive. Life is short and can be taken from us just like that..
Cosmo and sarsparilla
So the other day I felt like treating myself so bought myself Cosmopolitan Magazine (I've only been wanting it for the last 2.5 years), a bottle of sarsarilla and a bag of jelly babies.. so there I was all cosyed up content as can be when I realised Cosmo is not how I remember it.. it was a disappointment. Debatable to know whether I've changed or it has.. although John (Kathryn's husband) seemed to enjoy reading it and finding out what kind of man he is by the drink he drinks and what he wants in bed. Anyway articles such as "Repackage Yourself" parties sounded a tad scary.. apparently you invite all your friends and family round and get them to rip you apart by telling you everything your rubbish at and what they dont like about you and then they "repackage" you. ie you change yourself, stop doing/wearing and being all the things they dont like about you..
Um is it just me or could this be a tad dangerous?
From an expert in this field not being youself is not all that great actually.. and how many people are going to want to top themselves when their bitchy friends tell them how crap they are?
So for future reference if any of my friends suggested a repackaging party they can go jump.
Am such a sap!! was feeling a bit like some comfort lately and got my parents to send me My cuddly toy Megan. at first when i sent an email they said who what, where.. and I was distraught she was never to be seen again.. but as luck would have it I went back in my blog and found a photo and this blog entry:
Megan looking distraught that she's being left behind!
I am so upset that I can't fit Megan in. As Mum and Dad came in to help me make the stuff I wanted to take less and we put all the essentials in the backpack in was impossible to fit everything in that I wanted to. I've already had to cut it down to 3 pairs of trousers - one of which I'm wearing on the flight.
I was whinging away clutching her saying I needed her ears to sleep (anyone who knows me well will know what I mean!!) when mum suggested cutting her ears off (you'll have to try and picture the look of sheer horror that was on my face in reaction to this!) so to save her from mutilation and to keep her safe she's going to sit on my bed and wait for me!!!
I cant believe I'm going tomorrow - all this countdown is over, its finally here! and as you can see I've worked out how to put photos online! Goodness knows how much access to computers I will get but hopefully I will be able to put amzing pictures of scenery on it rather than of my cuddly rabbit! (who while is very special to me - may not be to anyone reading this!)
Posted by Melissa at 5:18 AM
weird reading that?!! anyway.. so here she is in Australia and am looking forward to going to bed tonight and cuddling her ears!!! yep I know I'm 28.. do I care? nope!!
Um is it just me or could this be a tad dangerous?
From an expert in this field not being youself is not all that great actually.. and how many people are going to want to top themselves when their bitchy friends tell them how crap they are?
So for future reference if any of my friends suggested a repackaging party they can go jump.
Am such a sap!! was feeling a bit like some comfort lately and got my parents to send me My cuddly toy Megan. at first when i sent an email they said who what, where.. and I was distraught she was never to be seen again.. but as luck would have it I went back in my blog and found a photo and this blog entry:
Megan looking distraught that she's being left behind!
I am so upset that I can't fit Megan in. As Mum and Dad came in to help me make the stuff I wanted to take less and we put all the essentials in the backpack in was impossible to fit everything in that I wanted to. I've already had to cut it down to 3 pairs of trousers - one of which I'm wearing on the flight.
I was whinging away clutching her saying I needed her ears to sleep (anyone who knows me well will know what I mean!!) when mum suggested cutting her ears off (you'll have to try and picture the look of sheer horror that was on my face in reaction to this!) so to save her from mutilation and to keep her safe she's going to sit on my bed and wait for me!!!
I cant believe I'm going tomorrow - all this countdown is over, its finally here! and as you can see I've worked out how to put photos online! Goodness knows how much access to computers I will get but hopefully I will be able to put amzing pictures of scenery on it rather than of my cuddly rabbit! (who while is very special to me - may not be to anyone reading this!)
Posted by Melissa at 5:18 AM
weird reading that?!! anyway.. so here she is in Australia and am looking forward to going to bed tonight and cuddling her ears!!! yep I know I'm 28.. do I care? nope!!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Lists, lists and guess what? more lists!!
So Kathryn went out for the day yesterday leaving me to my own devices.. I happily sat down and wrote lists.. I literally sat at the table for 5 hours straight!!
I used a basic CBT method by listing all my possible current options in life, why I wanted to do each of them, what stopped me doing it/obstacles, whether I could overcome the obstacles/ were they justified?, and after analysis was it a feasible option and did I still want it?
Kathryn and John bravely read them through (they asked I didn't force it down their throats don't worry)in the advert breaks to Bones in the evening (did you know Angel is in it? my god nobody told me.. of course I do keep hoping he gets his naughty vampire face throughout but there we are.. anyway off subject again how did that happen?!) but wouldn't help me make any decisions.. how unfair..! of course I can understand.. my decisions have to be all mine..
I have been researching things and stuff as well.
For example I have always wanted to do a counselling course.. go back to uni and do masters or something. I kind of mentioned in to Kathryn and found myself at the uni discussing course options. I would love to do this course, it would do me the world of good and do no harm to my career.. I've always wanted to do it and have said I would do it when I settled down and stopped travelling.
But after nearly throwing up out of fear coming out of the uni (which shouldn't be taken into account since I always feel like that with any big decisons) and discussing fees and visas and god knows what else.. getting myself into more debt is terrifying. I am finally trying getting myself sorted in England trying to sort out debt.. (with Dads help) so to suddenly get another loan to study isn't all that appealing.
I like to be independent but I am learning to accept help. Cheryl and Kathryn want to support me to do that course now but I would prefer to be in a stable position to enable myself to do it. Yes I will need support to do it but at the moment I think the obstacles are too great to overcome.. and will re-analyse the situation at a later date.. (i.e the July intake of the course is just too scary and expensive right now).
So have gone through this process with all my random thoughts.. some have been struck off the list, others are still maybes..
Anyway one decision made is that my arm is important to me (funny that?!) I want it to be the best it can be.. so I am not going to go anywhere until it is healed and I am officially discharged from the hospital. That seems kind of sensible I think! The trouble is that thats going to take a couple of months and I am feeling more and more ready to work. I just need to find a job that I can do with 1 and a half arms. I would like to do childcare but theres a lot of lifting which I cant do yet so I guess thats not an option so I guess something reception or office based would be better. But then in a months time I might be able to use it properly again.. in hard to predict these things.. grr!!!
I used a basic CBT method by listing all my possible current options in life, why I wanted to do each of them, what stopped me doing it/obstacles, whether I could overcome the obstacles/ were they justified?, and after analysis was it a feasible option and did I still want it?
Kathryn and John bravely read them through (they asked I didn't force it down their throats don't worry)in the advert breaks to Bones in the evening (did you know Angel is in it? my god nobody told me.. of course I do keep hoping he gets his naughty vampire face throughout but there we are.. anyway off subject again how did that happen?!) but wouldn't help me make any decisions.. how unfair..! of course I can understand.. my decisions have to be all mine..
I have been researching things and stuff as well.
For example I have always wanted to do a counselling course.. go back to uni and do masters or something. I kind of mentioned in to Kathryn and found myself at the uni discussing course options. I would love to do this course, it would do me the world of good and do no harm to my career.. I've always wanted to do it and have said I would do it when I settled down and stopped travelling.
But after nearly throwing up out of fear coming out of the uni (which shouldn't be taken into account since I always feel like that with any big decisons) and discussing fees and visas and god knows what else.. getting myself into more debt is terrifying. I am finally trying getting myself sorted in England trying to sort out debt.. (with Dads help) so to suddenly get another loan to study isn't all that appealing.
I like to be independent but I am learning to accept help. Cheryl and Kathryn want to support me to do that course now but I would prefer to be in a stable position to enable myself to do it. Yes I will need support to do it but at the moment I think the obstacles are too great to overcome.. and will re-analyse the situation at a later date.. (i.e the July intake of the course is just too scary and expensive right now).
So have gone through this process with all my random thoughts.. some have been struck off the list, others are still maybes..
Anyway one decision made is that my arm is important to me (funny that?!) I want it to be the best it can be.. so I am not going to go anywhere until it is healed and I am officially discharged from the hospital. That seems kind of sensible I think! The trouble is that thats going to take a couple of months and I am feeling more and more ready to work. I just need to find a job that I can do with 1 and a half arms. I would like to do childcare but theres a lot of lifting which I cant do yet so I guess thats not an option so I guess something reception or office based would be better. But then in a months time I might be able to use it properly again.. in hard to predict these things.. grr!!!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
What do I really really want?
Dont panic I'm not about to break into a spice girls song.. just another one of my random thoughts..Last night I couldnt sleep and this was on my mind. I bought a journal recently so I'm not putting all my secrets on my blog.. I was banned from ever having a journal again a few years ago but I figured actually I'm a grown up and its up to me.. anyway off subject.. where was I? I wrote a list in my journal of what I want and what to do with my life..so I am left with decisions about what to do and where to go..
Dont tell any one cos its a secret but I'm exhausted. I am tired of constantly looking for new jobs and where to sleep each night. Dont get me wrong I'm passionate about travelling and I love both the things I just said I was tired of (contradictory.. me?!) but having somewhere to call home and people around me who I car about (and vice versa) kinda sounds appealing right now..
So while travelling I always said I would stop when I found the right place.. but I wouldnt let myself stay anywhere to find out.. even when I was somewhere I was always thinking about what was next.. like when I was in Nelson it was all about Australia.
So I have a list of jobs/study/places to live and decisions to make.
Dont get me wrong I'm still going to travel the world and see every inch of Australia.. I havent changed that much.. I just might see it differently thats all (thats how I reassure myself!) Because to stop wandering would be utterly terrifying/ makes me throw up at the thought actually.
Went to see the blowhole today.. had driven past a sign to it so many times and finally spoke up and said to Kathryn that I was desperate to see it.. was amazing and spectacular.. it amazed me that houses could be so close to something like that! Would love to go there when its wild and windy and at high tide!
had an appt at the prosetics place today (no they havent cut off my arm) cool place actually seeing all those prosetic limbs. The guy had come to see me at the hospital last week (as I'm special) but saw him at his clinic this week. He was amazed at my progress.. I told him it was a million times better but he didnt believe me till he took the armour off and it didnt flop about wildly like it has every time before.. he was very pleased.. prognosis a hell of a lot better! last week he said no backpack and armour for 9 weeks and that it would take 12 months to heal which had been scary to hear.. this week he was saying in 4 weeks I could possibly maybe get the armour off?! wow!!! I hasten to add I still have to behave.. it does go purple and swell to twice its size if I overdo it and hurts like hell saying "um Melissa I am still broken you know?" I dont have proper use of it by any means but attempting to cut my own food or balance it on the keyboard to press the occasional key is pretty exciting.. roll on mastering being able to wash my own hair. It would be okay if I was bale to get it wet but theres still no chance at the moment.. Kathryns still helping me with that and to do up my bra (I accept that since most men can undo them with 2 hands that its okay I cant do it up with one- I guess I'm not a failure) I guess I just have to accept what I can and cant do.. but keep pushing myself to exercise it.. my god I ramble.. someone shut me up?!
I'm knackered anyway.. way too much on my brain the last few days.. so night night..
Ooh PS I have an address at the moment (HINT HINT) and ooh did you know its my birthday next month?! I would put my address on here but knowing my luck I'd end up with some nutter on the doorstep so if anyone wants my address email/facebook me!
Dont tell any one cos its a secret but I'm exhausted. I am tired of constantly looking for new jobs and where to sleep each night. Dont get me wrong I'm passionate about travelling and I love both the things I just said I was tired of (contradictory.. me?!) but having somewhere to call home and people around me who I car about (and vice versa) kinda sounds appealing right now..
So while travelling I always said I would stop when I found the right place.. but I wouldnt let myself stay anywhere to find out.. even when I was somewhere I was always thinking about what was next.. like when I was in Nelson it was all about Australia.
So I have a list of jobs/study/places to live and decisions to make.
Dont get me wrong I'm still going to travel the world and see every inch of Australia.. I havent changed that much.. I just might see it differently thats all (thats how I reassure myself!) Because to stop wandering would be utterly terrifying/ makes me throw up at the thought actually.
Went to see the blowhole today.. had driven past a sign to it so many times and finally spoke up and said to Kathryn that I was desperate to see it.. was amazing and spectacular.. it amazed me that houses could be so close to something like that! Would love to go there when its wild and windy and at high tide!
had an appt at the prosetics place today (no they havent cut off my arm) cool place actually seeing all those prosetic limbs. The guy had come to see me at the hospital last week (as I'm special) but saw him at his clinic this week. He was amazed at my progress.. I told him it was a million times better but he didnt believe me till he took the armour off and it didnt flop about wildly like it has every time before.. he was very pleased.. prognosis a hell of a lot better! last week he said no backpack and armour for 9 weeks and that it would take 12 months to heal which had been scary to hear.. this week he was saying in 4 weeks I could possibly maybe get the armour off?! wow!!! I hasten to add I still have to behave.. it does go purple and swell to twice its size if I overdo it and hurts like hell saying "um Melissa I am still broken you know?" I dont have proper use of it by any means but attempting to cut my own food or balance it on the keyboard to press the occasional key is pretty exciting.. roll on mastering being able to wash my own hair. It would be okay if I was bale to get it wet but theres still no chance at the moment.. Kathryns still helping me with that and to do up my bra (I accept that since most men can undo them with 2 hands that its okay I cant do it up with one- I guess I'm not a failure) I guess I just have to accept what I can and cant do.. but keep pushing myself to exercise it.. my god I ramble.. someone shut me up?!
I'm knackered anyway.. way too much on my brain the last few days.. so night night..
Ooh PS I have an address at the moment (HINT HINT) and ooh did you know its my birthday next month?! I would put my address on here but knowing my luck I'd end up with some nutter on the doorstep so if anyone wants my address email/facebook me!
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Reconnection with the world
Have been in such a good mood the last few days.. a bit scary really?!
Actually I've done a lot of thinking and stuff about what I want out of life and all that stuff.
I've also "shock horror" made some phone calls and caught up with a few people which has been great (a lot of tears involved but its all good!). So much has happened in peoples lives since I saw them last.. its been a long time.
So I found myself voicing something on the phone to my sister last night.. that I hadnt said aloud before. I plan to visit England for about 3 months sometime in the next 12 months (probably in 12 months or so time). Money is of course an issue but its something to save up/aim for. I dont miss England but I do want to see you all again (my family and friends) and spend time with you.
I've had a really good week here at Kathryn's, were being on holiday.. sleeping late, going shopping, watching DVDS and gossiping and being generally girly. We went to a Mary Kay party yesterday which was different.. its a kind of makeup party where they are trying to sell you stuff.. it was cool. am not adverse to having my feet soaked in yummy smelling stuff while sipping on my 3rd glass of champayne.. no complaints at all. I did panic a bit when it got to makeup but assured myself it wasnt like they were tattooing me.. foundation does wash off!
Watched "PS I love you" on DVD last night. I managed to cry for an hour and a half! Kathryn and John were most amused! I am such a sap!
So the other day I was wondering about helping people jobs. I was looking in the paper the other day and realising that jobs like that are just too over my head and I want to do a counselling course to equip me with the skills I need. I've said that for a very long time but it kind of feels more real. I dont want to be making the same well meaning mistakes I made when working in the refuge.. and while I do that training I want a lower stress job. Even if I dont go into that work again the skills I will have are important life skills in my opinion.
and as for travelling.. I still want to see the world.. but I cant maintain travelling constantly on a long term basis. Having roots, relationships, and somewhere to call home has suddenly appeared in my brain as important. (yeah I know what your all thinking.. "well duh?!.. I'm a bit slow what can I say?!)
I rambled on about wanting to belong in the world but unless I allow myself to connect that wasnt going to happen was it?! (well duh?!)
Actually I've done a lot of thinking and stuff about what I want out of life and all that stuff.
I've also "shock horror" made some phone calls and caught up with a few people which has been great (a lot of tears involved but its all good!). So much has happened in peoples lives since I saw them last.. its been a long time.
So I found myself voicing something on the phone to my sister last night.. that I hadnt said aloud before. I plan to visit England for about 3 months sometime in the next 12 months (probably in 12 months or so time). Money is of course an issue but its something to save up/aim for. I dont miss England but I do want to see you all again (my family and friends) and spend time with you.
I've had a really good week here at Kathryn's, were being on holiday.. sleeping late, going shopping, watching DVDS and gossiping and being generally girly. We went to a Mary Kay party yesterday which was different.. its a kind of makeup party where they are trying to sell you stuff.. it was cool. am not adverse to having my feet soaked in yummy smelling stuff while sipping on my 3rd glass of champayne.. no complaints at all. I did panic a bit when it got to makeup but assured myself it wasnt like they were tattooing me.. foundation does wash off!
Watched "PS I love you" on DVD last night. I managed to cry for an hour and a half! Kathryn and John were most amused! I am such a sap!
So the other day I was wondering about helping people jobs. I was looking in the paper the other day and realising that jobs like that are just too over my head and I want to do a counselling course to equip me with the skills I need. I've said that for a very long time but it kind of feels more real. I dont want to be making the same well meaning mistakes I made when working in the refuge.. and while I do that training I want a lower stress job. Even if I dont go into that work again the skills I will have are important life skills in my opinion.
and as for travelling.. I still want to see the world.. but I cant maintain travelling constantly on a long term basis. Having roots, relationships, and somewhere to call home has suddenly appeared in my brain as important. (yeah I know what your all thinking.. "well duh?!.. I'm a bit slow what can I say?!)
I rambled on about wanting to belong in the world but unless I allow myself to connect that wasnt going to happen was it?! (well duh?!)
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
I am feeling a lot more like myself again today (thank god for that!)
I am actually wearing sleeves which is fab, absolutely agony getting them on but worth it! (and its pain thats good - ie I'm allowed and supposed to move my arm a bit now and start exercising it.. its quite amusing though as some of the exercises I stare at the arm and will it to move and it just flops there staring at me.. still these things take time.. and on the bright side the brace kind of looks like body armour.. wonder if they could paint it silver?! Joan of Arc here I come?! (did she wear armour - have no idea?)
Been organising myself a bit today.. insurance is amusing.. I paid $600 for travel insurance that tells me to use/claim from medicare which being English and having the recipricol agreement with oz I get for free anyway! Also amusingly after ringing the 24 hour phoneline in the UK I clearly woke the woman up so we wasnt exactly a mine of info.. and she didnt believe I was English because of my accent. I wasnt sure whether to take that as a compliment or not - nevertheless everyone here just laughed at me and said the woman clearly needs to know what an aussie really sounds like!
Am attempting to sort my NZ tax back. Should get $120 back which will be great. It would be nice if I could get the $2000 in taxes I paid back but you cant have everything!
Cheryl and Graham are off to Brisbane tomorrow for a funeral and to collect a new campervan so I am going to stay at Kathryns for a few days so not sure how much email/internet I will have as I think they are on dial up.
I am actually wearing sleeves which is fab, absolutely agony getting them on but worth it! (and its pain thats good - ie I'm allowed and supposed to move my arm a bit now and start exercising it.. its quite amusing though as some of the exercises I stare at the arm and will it to move and it just flops there staring at me.. still these things take time.. and on the bright side the brace kind of looks like body armour.. wonder if they could paint it silver?! Joan of Arc here I come?! (did she wear armour - have no idea?)
Been organising myself a bit today.. insurance is amusing.. I paid $600 for travel insurance that tells me to use/claim from medicare which being English and having the recipricol agreement with oz I get for free anyway! Also amusingly after ringing the 24 hour phoneline in the UK I clearly woke the woman up so we wasnt exactly a mine of info.. and she didnt believe I was English because of my accent. I wasnt sure whether to take that as a compliment or not - nevertheless everyone here just laughed at me and said the woman clearly needs to know what an aussie really sounds like!
Am attempting to sort my NZ tax back. Should get $120 back which will be great. It would be nice if I could get the $2000 in taxes I paid back but you cant have everything!
Cheryl and Graham are off to Brisbane tomorrow for a funeral and to collect a new campervan so I am going to stay at Kathryns for a few days so not sure how much email/internet I will have as I think they are on dial up.
Salamanca Markets
Salamanca markets are held every Saturday in Hobart. I literally spent hours wandering around them!
am I surfing that car?!
when I first arrived at Paul's families place we went out 4wd which was so cool! really want to learn to drive so I can do stuff like that!
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