Marshmallows and Demons

So what have I been doing with myself other than thinking about the meaning of life? (and learning to type with one hand?!)
At the same time as suddenly living a quiet life I am being kept busy! I enjoy being leisurely with getting out of bed (you have to enjoy the perks of a broken arm don't you?!) then the day flies by.. quite literally.. either Kathryn or Cheryl or both take me into Kingston or to Snug to Kathryn's place (isn't Snug a great name for a village?!) and I end up chatting away with them or off on missions to get things done.. and I have decided to use my time by getting stuff done I've been meaning to for years and face a few demons.
I had wanted to go to a bonfire night party with Kathryn at the weekend but had to call her and cancel because my arm/head wasn't up to it.. I'm a lot better now but I was getting all faint and stuff and realised I'd be a misery guts because I'd be concentrating on not fainting so Cheryl lit the fire, got Paul to buy marshmallows and then I could be a child.. she said it was for Will but I think it was for me too! (Paul's 6 year old who visits at weekends) Anyway I was very happy toasting marshmallows! Will was really quite concerned as he had heard I had broken my arm and since he couldn't see it assumed it had broken off and wanted to know if it was possible to grow another one.. he was very relieved when I showed him it was still there but just under my clothes!
I had fun.. I miss not being around kids.. I like playing games and drawing pictures!! (yes I know I'm a child.. !) and he's a an especially cute one.. I woke up on the Sunday to a little card having been posted under my door! With no direction he proceeded to make cards for everyone in the house! But I kind of realised as much as I fight it there is a reason I did a degree in Early Childhood Studies and although after my experiences in England I swore I would never teach again I do actually enjoy being around kids.. its just about finding the right job. There are so many things I loved about working in the refuge (i.e the kids and teenagers) but working within the government or social system has so much stress and red tape and things I don't agree with.. and I don't work well as a nanny because its too intense living by someone else's rules and I like my freedom..
I am lucky to have so many good friends that have been sending me emails and keeping me entertained.. I rang Louise and she called me back the other night since she has skype and we were on the phone for over 2 hours!! It was great though! I have a feeling I've been frozen for a few months (probably a year if I do my calculations) but the ice feels like its melting and I can have a conversation again.. can you lose the power of conversation?! I had got so used to the superficiality of short term friendships and meetings that part of my brain switched off. Travelling is amazing.. I love it.. but can it be a way to watch the world without being part of it - or is it a way to discover a world and parts of you, you never knew about? or is it both?
How does one know what their purpose is? what they really really want from life? I feel wide eyed yet excited.
So in order to be free I have to deal with demons holding me back.. most of which I cant talk about on here. The demons bite at my heals they make me run fast from them. but when I'm tired and cant run anymore they run me over the edge of the cliff.
So first on the list is debt. This is definately a demon I have been pretending doesnt exist (never return To England and I never have to face it). Now is time to face it. The trouble is of course now I want to get it sorted.. today.. right now these things take time.. hmff!

Church of Scientology

So I have always wondered about Scientology, we hear so much negative stuff about it in the press (giving birth in silence, only being allowed out with minders etc etc..yet all the stars seem to be part of it.. why is Tom Cruise apparently obsessed by it?
Well, when I was in Adelaide Scientology was jumping out at me everywhere,
I was given a leaflets at every street corner and their offices/churches seemed to be on every street so I decided to go and investigate!
It was a kind of office with a DVD showing, lots of books for sale and people sitting at desks like you were having an appt with them.
They start off with giving you a stress test or personality test. which scarily is over 200 questions long and you sit in silence doing this "exam". Since it would be pointless to lie I answered the questioned honestly.. and since it was taking so long I didn't analyse my answers which should make it more honest. Then they sat me in front of the DVD which said I should join Scientology because through self analysis and workshops they can help me be a better person and then to help those in our community who need help.. which honestly sounds good? who doesn't want to be a better person and too help those in troubled times?
So then it was time for my results.. I had this guy who was clearly very good at people reading and picking up on vulnerabilities.. I actually think he was trying to make me cry..
They give you a graph of your test results which says if personality traits of yours are in a desirable, normal or unacceptable state.
So.. traits of mine which are well developed and desirable are that I am stable and composed - so thats always got to be good aye?!
I am apparently normal with certainty/uncertainty and with being communicative/withdrawn so good to know theres no problems there.. no need to cry just yet!
However.. I am apparently too active (?!), wildly irresponsible, depressed, way too critical and distrusting, have a lack of accord and am basically a cold hearted bitch.. so... well thats nice.. good to know!
In some ways he is probably right, through backpacking I have lost myself and found myself along the lines in some way.. But trust goes out the window and self preservation becomes priority.. which is the way it has had to be.. if your going to stand on the side of the road and hitchhike you might just have to be on your guard a little?!
But the cold hearted bitch thing struck a chord.. maybe I have stopped caring about other people..? stopping still where I am right now has done me good as it is opening up that side of me again.. I used to be a nicer person.
However, this is of course precisely why people like me should not go into Scientology shops.. they twisted the knife, tried psychology on digging out personal problems, invented some at the same time and then basically said I needed to buy their books to help myself..
But anyway it was an interesting exercise!
On a different note I an getting to know Royal Hobart quite well now! in particular the xray department! Today when the 18 year old student came to take xrays I reassured her that actually more experienced staff don't know how to xray me but if I got into said positions we would get best results.. it would have been quick and painless if some guy hadnt come in and taken one of the support bits off to get it in a better position which hurt like hell but you cant have everything! I have had so many exrays I could just do them myself if the button wasnt behind the sheild thing..
anyway so have had it replastered again today.. you will be glad to know the bones have made an effort to get closer together.. it is however still a separated fracture. I tried to swap my specialist today but apparently you cant swap just because you feel like it. But in my opinion bedside manner is important.. theres nice good looking one Kathryn and I spotted who I'm sure would have a much better bedside manner.. and if not then the fact he looks like McDreamy in Grey's Anatomy would cheer me u while they be mean and poke and prod my arm. I'm not really sure doctors saying "we've had a look at your xray its um.... interesting" is a good thing.
But on the bright side the plaster technician is hysterical and amuses me with telling me stories of his "scrubber" of an exwife. Although when I did ask if I could please have a pink waterproof cast he did look at me amused and say "yeah your never getting one of those" which was a bit of a bugger as surely thats the whole point of breaking ones arm?! I asked again this week since it was the same guy and he told me to dream on..! oh well was worth a try..!
more xrays and stuff next week..I'll ask again then!!
I am however the luckiest girl in the world. I couldn't be with better people, they are absolutely wonderful.. after my initial panic of staying still I am now feeling happy and relaxed.

Too hot to touch?!

so am in a better mood this morning which isnt hard..I was so angry yesterday I felt like punching a few walls or something. Instead I lay in my bed and simmered like a kettle kept at boiling point but the switch not going off to say I was done.. I think Paul knew he'd have got his hands burnt trying to do anything about it so he left me to it.. probably wise.

How soon till I explode?

Okay now I dont like being still.. there is a reason I travel... it gives me way too much time to think.. so you are going to have to put up with some of my random thoughts..!
Having someone pegged?
what does it mean?
the way I picture someone having me pegged is being stretched out on the ground like when your pegging out a tent.. all my limbs pulled away from my bod a bit like being hung, drawn and then quartered... it sounds bloody painful to me..!
when people talk about having me pegged its like well lucky you because I sure as hell dont.. but people peg you out where they want to don't they? can you truly peg someone out and know the depths of their mind and imagination, their wants and desires?
I've thought I could in the past.. I mean I've worked out how some people in my life tick. I want to learn how to truly find out about a person.. without the being drawn and quartered bit..
Has anyone ever had me pegged? No

Me being looked after!

well its been a more eventful week than planned!
I whinged on my facebook and in my last blog about being unable to decide what to do and where to go from here so obviously the world decided that since I couldnt make up mu mind it would make it up for me.. and tha I should stop still for a bit! I have some enforced staying still!
Basically after a really good week of chilling out and going 4WD/ off roading with Paul (loads of fun btw!), going out for dinner with Paul and his mates, (they had creme brulee which was ridiculously exciting since I have been searching for it for over 2 years! some of my friends have been dragged round an entire town with me on the search for it.. so the boys didnt quite understand the importance of me finding creme brulee!!!) anyway.. after the meal we went on to the republic bar to see aussie band Resin Dogs (I have never liked hip hop but aussie hip hop is different.. it has nice messages and meanings rather than telling you to do bad things), Resin Dogs arent as good as some of the stuff I have heard lately but I enjoyed it alot, it was cool to see them.. havent seen any live music in ages! The next morning I went to the Salamanca markets which is something everyone had told me was a "must do" in Hobart.. and they were great.. I wandered round trying local produce and listening to buskers etc.. bumped into Emma who had come over for coffee and a chat the previous day and wandered around enjoying the sunshine and atmosphere while Paul was being soccer coach for his sons team, (he has a gorgeous 6 year old boy), after I got the bus back we had a bbq with all the kids from the soccer team which was cool and then in the evening I went out with Kathryn (Paul's sister) for dinner and to meet the girls (who are really nice girls - sometimes going out with a group of unknown girls could be uncomfortable but they were really welcoming and friendly!), then the following day after a family lunch (Paul's aunty etc came over) Kathryn offered to take me for a horseride which I was really excited about.. she has 2 horses, an arabian stallion which she was riding and the other is a thoroughbred racehorse- he has actually only been off the track 9 weeks!
anyway after a little walk around the paddock I was feeling safe and comfy.. and Kathryn was busy opening the gate when Noppy bucked and reared.. I hung on the first time and then he did it again... and before I knew it I was laying on my back on the ground.. it was a surreal experience as when I looked up this horse was bucking and rearing and stamping and generally leaping about over me.. with me looking up at him hoping he wasnt going to jump on me and kill me.. at this point Kathryn shouted out if I was okay so I looked at myself and said yes but my arm wasnt right.. it was lying at a decidedly strange angle and wasnt following instructions.. anyway.. Kathryn checked me over (shes trained in all that stuff which is great!) and we got in the car and off to hospital. I held onto my arm with the other as when I let go it felt like the arm might fall off and I might have to pick it up off the floor.. it felt as if parts of my arm were trying to find each other and it felt all "flicky". Kathryn called Paul and he followed us in and met us there. Luckily we didnt have to wait long (having inherited bad circulation from mum my fingers were cold enough for them to rush me through). After cutting my clothes off (I'm always complaining about having too many clothes anyway!) I had some xrays and I had a separated fracture of the humerous... (and no I didnt finnd it funny!) its one of those ones when you see the xray you can see from 50 paces that is a broken arm.. they were going to keep me in over night but whats the point if your just going to be waiting around.. you may as well wait around at home.. of course for future reference when your waiting around in front of them you probably dont have to wait as long.. so they put a pretend cast on it called a slab of some sort on and some endone (morphine) and off I went home to have my every need met (see couch potato pic!!) I coudnt sleep but watched plenty of TV and was kept entertained. The next day the hospital gave us a appt (with orthopaedics to see if it needs to be operated on) for the following day at 10:30am. I wasnt wildly extstatic at that as another 24 hours of holding onto my arm of which the bones pushed against the flesh in a valiant attempt tp escape through every time I moved.. but we went to the doctors and got some more endone which helped.. but the time between 3am and 6am is always the worst for some reason so I wasnt a happy bunny at that point! but at least I could count down to my appt!
The appt went ok.. when they took the slab off my arm was bent horribly but this nice plasterer relaxed me so they fell together a bit better and then plastered me from my collar bone to below my elbow.. its a good job.. the xray is better.. the bones still move around every time I move but its the best they can do unless they screw the bones together.
Either way.. I am not supposed to move it at all.. not even to slip clothing on.
I count my lucky stars that I am where I am right now.. I am surrounded by the most wonderful people ever.. Kathryn and Cheryl have been shopping getting me clothes, pj's, dressing gown and slippers, getting me dressed, helping me wash, Paul is feeding me chocolate and coke floats and banning me from doing anything.. I am surrounded my magazines, food, dvd's (graham - paul's dad has set one up in my room for me)... I am being spoilt rotten.. its absolutely wonderful.. althought I do have to admit I find it difficult. By helping and doing stuff for people that is my way of giving thanks and showing someone I care so not being able to do any of that is very frustrating. But have now been told off by everyone in the family and have promised to behave! (so I guess I should probably go and sit in front of a DVD or something!

Me and Kathryn at the hospital

Its been so nice to have some time out from life the last few days.. I hadn't had a lie in in ages, its so blissful to have a double bed and my own room!! (I'm over dorm rooms!!) Even when I have an early night in a dorm room I cant help starting chatting to the person in the bunk above me or opposite - which I'm not complaining about.. its great to have friends from all over the world.. but it sure was nice to have some quiet time the last few days.. and hopefully haven't scared Paul too much with my sneaky tidying up.. I don't think so as he read my blog yesterday and just laughed at me!
They have a pool here which is fab.. finally stopped being so lazy today and went for a swim and realised how long its been since I went swimming properly.. as in since January in Bourke.. it felt bloody good!!
Am starting to get my brain into gear a little, though haven't made any decisions about what I'm going to do but everybody here insists there is no hurry which is cool. Have been checking out flights and jobs and all sorts and stuff.. but like I said I dont believe in planning so all I really need to decide is where to book a flight to..
Sheryl (Paul's mum) has arranged for someone to come over tomorrow and talk to me about working in Aboriginal communities which should be good, as thats what I would really like to do.. but I dont want too much stress in my life and that kind of job equals stress so I am trying to look at the best way I could do that kind of work..

The twelve apostles

So I had a great few days in Adelaide and made lots of friends.. it was nice to be just staying still for a while and chilling out with other travellers! I normally hate being around other travellers but I must have been in te mood or something.. I hung out with a girl called Olivia and we explored town together on the free bus and then went to these fab markets for grogeous fres food that made me think wow I could live in Adelaide if I could shop for all my food at those markets!!
and we went shopping, I needed someone to shop with, as the previous day i finally got round to buying some jeams and couldnt decide between 3 pairs and since hese girls were all sitting outside the changing rooms with their friend refusing to coem out and show them what she had on because they made her look fat I introduced myself and said I needed opinions if the friend didnt.. simple as jeans chosen..! thank god for that.. I hate shopping!! and with olivia I managed to buy a top.. of course it was a warm top and now I'll probably go up North and bake..
Anyway so I booked a flight to Tassie to come and see Paul.. which is where I am now (well thats a lie he booked it) and he was wondeful surprising me at the airport and taking me to this gorgeous luxury hotel and having made me an appointment at the attached spa for a massage.. wow!! It was fantastically lovely.. the next day we came back to his place.. he's currently living in a flat attached to his parents place to I'm sleeping upstairs in his parents place and since it was Aussie Mothers Day at te weekend I met most of the family.. his sister comes round most days so have spent some time chatting to her and his mum while he's out at work. His mum isnt too well at the moment so have been trying to help her.. and resist my urge to scrub his flat from top to bottom.. Caroline was saying in her email the other day laughing how at least I hadnt changed in some ways, ie with the cleaning.. but realise it may teriffy people or annoy them so am controlling my urges and surrepticiosuly cleaning up a few plates here and there..!
I am staying a few days with him, getting to know him and vice versa. His family are really nice and welcomong to me which is lovly and have offered me to stay on a long term basis but that doesnt feel right so am just deciding where to book my next flight to.. its one of those moments where you know the world is your oyster.. but which oyster should I pick?!! wherever I go I've probably got 2 weeks tops amount of money to keep me going so a job is in order pretty sharpish! But I dont want to apply for a job without seeing what it is and where it is first.. I want to arrive somewhere and decide its nice and get a job there.. hmnn decisions decisions!!